Boundaries for Beginners
So many people struggle with boundaries for a variety of reasons. Maybe you were taught to not set boundaries or have autonomy growing up in your family. Or you feel discomfort emotionally for setting limits for others. Or maybe you have no clue where to start because boundaries sound “bad” or “mean” to you. I have been there myself. Setting boundaries made me feel like a “bad therapist” or a “mean friend” or a “flaky person.” It’s hard when the narrative you have told yourself or listened to for so long is that setting boundaries is something to be moralized. When in reality, boundaries have the ability to be an incredible practice of self care.
By no means is this post comprehensive in nature or will speak to everyone’s situation, but I hope that this will give you a few tips and things to consider as you begin your journey of setting boundaries for yourself. So, let’s get into it!
Boundaries are about YOU - Contrary to what you may have been taught or believe, boundaries are ultimately about yourself. For some who have difficulties thinking about yourself, I would encourage you to sit with that fact and get curious with yourself. Take some time to reflect on why it is that you might feel discomfort talking about you or listening to your needs. You may be surprised at what comes up, but you may also find a deeper sense of awareness (which is what it is all about!). Whether you journal your thoughts, talk with your therapist or a close friend/companion, or use a creative outlet, try something different to get more comfortable with the idea of talking about you and your needs. For those who have challenges with the idea of self care, definitely check out this article as a place to separate self care from selfishness: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201302/is-self-care-selfish
Boundaries can be physical, emotional, psychological, and time/energy based - When considering setting a boundary, I recommend first identifying which category it might fall under. For physical, it can be with your body in general or even sexual. Emotional boundaries might include something you are needing to separate yourself from engaging in with another person for your self care. Psychological boundaries can include the time you spend thinking about or mentally unpacking a certain topic or conversation. And time/energy based boundaries might include what you have capacity for at a point in time to do or not do. Whatever topic yours may fall under, take stock of that boundary and get a handle on if it falls into one (or more than one) of these categories for you to gain confidence and understanding for yourself.
While listening to yourself, identify what the boundary is for YOU - This portion may be the most laborious of setting boundaries for some, because it includes really getting honest with yourself on what is is that you need. It can also be helpful to sort through this by identifying what you are both WILLING + ABLE to do in a certain situation. Just because you are willing to do something for another person does not necessarily mean you are able (and vice versa). Look at your work schedule based on the tasks your boss has added to your plate. The discomfort you may feel to say “no” is probably a learned behavior and identifying what you realistically can/cannot do can be challenging to sort out. Starting first with “Am I willing to do this?” and then “Am I able to do this?” is a great filter to listen to yourself more intently. Ultimately, you deciding you cannot take on that particular task until next week for work when you are more able might be a great option of setting a time/energy based boundary. I also recommend this resource if you need to communicate something assertively and with specific details as a format: https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/dbt-dear-man.pdf
Trust yourself to try and listen to your needs and you are on your way!
Practice, practice, practice - The only way you are going to get better at setting boundaries is to actually do it. Facing anxiety (safely) is the way we navigate through discomfort and towards self care. I find that it is best to start with small ways of setting boundaries before you jump to the more challenging/complicated ones. For example, instead of answering your phone on the first ring or as soon as you receive a text, consciously wait 5 minutes before you respond. 9 times out of 10, someone reaching out to you it is not an actual emergency. Then work on breathing through those 5 minutes, reflecting inward and slowing down before you respond. Taking stock of you and what you’re willing and able to do at a particular time is setting yourself up for success with more complicated boundaries in the future.
Praise yourself for setting a boundary! - Celebrate those wins! Even the little ones! Positive reinforcement can be so powerful to help you continue practicing those healthy boundaries. I would even tell a close friend/loved one of when you set a boundary. Let them also celebrate you! The more you do this work, the better you will get at loving yourself and caring for you. At the end of the day, the only one who can set boundaries for yourself is you. So, get on to patting yourself on the back for the work you have done. You are well on your way!
Last, I recommend this book by Nedra Glover Tawwab, who is a boundaries expert for more details on this. She is a licensed therapist and has a wealth of knowledge in her book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace.
Happy boundary setting to you and I wish you well on the journey towards taking care of yourself!
Mindfully,
Samantha Speed